I heard the people wanted a politician who isn’t a politician,
So I made one, shining, bright, and new.
He doesn’t sit and wait for a petition,
He gets things done, he’s a man of action, he seizes power in a coup.
When he wants to pass a bill he doesn’t ask for permission,
He uses bullets, batons, and battering rams to get the point through.
During an election there’s no need for a commission,
He counts the votes himself; he does the things we’d like for him to do.
There’s no red tape if he wants to protect us from sedition,
He just sends his best men to beat the red out of who knows who.
I heard the people want thrills without thrills,
so I bought a batch of Benzedrine and concocted a nice solution.
Taste this modern mixture, it’ll be sure to give you chills,
It’s made of amphibians, amphetamines, and a scoop of rain forest pollution.
Swallow this, this cherished chalky paradise, the potent potentate of pills,
Feel the feeling float back to your heart, feel a sense of resolution.
Inject this, this golden dawn, the cure to all your ills.
Drift away to the netherworld, neither here nor there, a vast vicarious volution.
Inhale this and say goodbye to those worries, wishes, wants, and wills
Just sign this check, pay this bill, fill my pockets, and have no worries of collusion.
I heard the people want drama without drama,
So I felt a flush of dopamine and drew some just for you.
Look over there, the Navy Seals are shooting an Osama
No one cares, he isn’t one of us, he’s not a member of our crew.
What about over here, you see the veterans immersed in trauma?
It’s okay, you put a dollar in that jar, there’s nothing else you can do.
See the toddler over there, crying “Mama, mama, mama!,”
We’re sending him to foster care; it’s not like he can sue.
Hear the cries of those forsaken refugees, those feathers fleeing from Hamah?
Have no fears, the borders are closed, there’s no way for them to get through.
I heard the people want a revolution without a revolution,
So I shook some hands, paid some bribes, and raised the flag of insurrection.
In the streets of New York City, protesters protest against pollution.
I cheer them on, then tell the pharaohs of fossil fuel: “Don’t worry, I’ve bought the election.”
In the streets of Los Angeles, reformers rally for a new resolution.
“Don’t worry,” I assure the oligarchs, “The best they’ll get is a correction.”
In the streets of Detroit, radicals rage against collusion.
Against whom they are rebelling, they haven’t the slightest recollection.
In the streets of Seattle, socialists set up soviets and shock the world with a new solution.
Alas, no one televised their revolution; it passes without detection.